Does Uhuru Kenyatta fart in his blankets? Does he make it worse by sniffing around as if hoping that this time it’ll smell like citronella? I know he’s the president but, si he is a person at the end of the day? And let us not lie, normal people [read: boys] do these things. I wonder, does he open a container of Delamere yoghurt, carefully peel the aluminium foiling and give it one hell of a good lick on the underside? Or is he too much of a figure in life to posses such ‘ghetto‘ behaviour?
And what if there is an itch in his butt and he’s in public, will he find creative ways of scratching it or will he bear the pressure and desire until he gets to his private suite? I don’t know about you but when I think about him, these are some of the questions that come to my mind. I imagine that when’s he’s had a long day, he goes home and showers and when he’s sleepy af, gives his balls that mandatory releaving yet very nasty scratch session that is characteristic of any boy and man. I would want to know is Mr. President’s peculiar habits. Because I know he has one, or two.
Has he ever held a red slipper in his hand and lifted it purposed to bring it down on the trembling ass of his son Muhoho who had gone to the neighbor’s house because they’d cooked chapatti? Off course not. Muhoho has probably never been caned. That is why he is the sort of person you’ve seen him to be. I can bet Uhuru himself does not know that the red slipper inflicts more pain and causes more damage than the blue one.
Does he fuck around? I know he’s married but let’s face it, married men are the magnets! While out clubbing, does he check out a chic and wink at her? Do girls in the club walk up to him and whine their waists off their hips to impress him because he owns this country and there s nothing we can do about it? Does he understand Kartelo? Does he have a clue on what Kartelo says in his videos? Does DJ Shiti and Njugush make him laugh? And MCA Tricky? Does he get excited when Iphone launch Iphone 11. Or Samsung with their Note 10? I know timepieces give him a hard-on. And whiskey. I’d like to find out what fascinates him aside from the thought of borrowing more money from Beijing to spend on shoes.
Does Uhuru Kenyatta cry when the weight of the world bears down on him? Does he let the pressure of being such a ‘big person’ get out? I know he drinks a lot but… Does he have a sane way of cooling his system, hydrating aside? How does he handle stress? Who does he talk to?
I’d like to enter his life for a week. Move with him, sit with him, talk with him and just be with him. I’d like to enter that meeting he goes into unprepared. To see how he reacts when he sees big booty pass. To watch the kind of movies he watches. To see how his mother mothers him around. I would like to be there when he is being scolded by his uncles for squandering the family’s wealth.
But what I’d like most to see is this; the face he wears when he’s summoned by the guys who actually rule this country. Those guys who call the actual shots. The guys who put him in power. Those guys whose conversations I imagine go like:-
Big Fish A: We need that data within the next 6 months. The hourglasses in London and Washington are about to be turned. We have little time.
Uhuru: I am working on it. In fact….
Big Fish B: You’ve been working on it since last year.
Big Fish A: I’ve already spoken to my contacts. They’re on-site. It shall happen tomorrow.
Uhuru: What shall happen?!
Big Fish B: Patience, young man. Savour the anticipation!
Uhuru (confused af and feeling an intense urge to pee in his pants): ?!?!
Big Fish B: As soon as it happens, issue a statement expressing your condolences. Say that Dusit was a very ugly act and that Kenya shall not tolerate such actions again. Say “Kenya does not and will not fall in the hands of terrorists!” Tell the people that to avoid this and others like the Westgate siege, you shall introduce a digital ID system called Huduma Number that shall be mandatory for every one. Tell them it will help us identify terrorists.
Big Fish A: Have your stupid ass PS’s implement NIIMs within the shortest time possible. When those wretched activists open their mouths, scare the people and let them be isolated in their noise.
Uhuru: Okay. It shall be done.
Big Fish A: No disappointments like the SGR one! And find a way to leash your scattered DP, lest you want him to sneeze his life out.
I would like to see the side of Uhuru we all have never seen. That way maybe I will be able to understand why he is the way he is and if it is a must for him to be like that and if it is not a must, whether he can be better (I know I’ve filled your mouth). Maybe by understanding the underside I will finally comprehend how people manage to be like him – masters of self deceit. How one can see the pain they are causing innocent people and still manage to kiss his son with an “I love you”. How a man can burn his own house thinking that he will be spared. How a man can speak of a legacy while his fate is held in the hands of this friends.