As I begin to write this blog post, my mind feels like a kids playing ground and a market place during market day and the White House during a crisis and like a ship caught in a tempest and like the inside of a pressure cooker and, just chaotic. In any random order, I am thinking about my life, my career, work, my sisters, my parents, my cousins who recently lost their dad, my bills, my ambitions, 2024, the possibility that democracy is an idea that we can never achieve, the December holidays, my value on earth, my relationship with God, the fact that I have not been to the beach the entire of this year despite living in next to it, money, my failures, my health, my farm, the economy, taxes, the president, the social work that I am doing with my nonprofit, people dynamics and politics, my sink that’s leaking and all them plumbers cannot seem to apply their talents to it, floods, what my first car will be, the possibility that maybe people are okay and don’t wanna be helped, whether I have been a good colleague, an upcoming vacation to Dar Es Salaam and Zanzibar, whether I have been a good man, the chance that President Ruto has a good plan after all, whether I have been a good leader, why my grandmother and grandfather had to die, why after months of trying I still don’t know how to swim, why I am struggling so much to write, why my cleaner failed to clean that spot even after I specifically told them about it, whether the efforts of good men and women who are trying to improve society work, why the African Union exists, why I have to forgive a man who was cruel to me when I was small, my sex life, why my debtors are not keeping their word and paying back my money, why a job I wanted did not come through, how I will make my programs more impactful next year, why the US keeps putting their nose in everyone’s business, why I am struggling to talk to my mentor, why I am doing so many things probono, why my mom stayed, when will whatever the fuck all this is ever make sense, whether I have been a good brother and a good friend, how I will fundraise for my organisation next year, how to be mindful and kind, what the heck is it that I do every day of my life? Why I missed a that thing that I should have seen coming, why one of my employees computers just died in this time when budgets are tight, why I am struggling to do youtube videos for my work, why a certain project did not take off, what my brand is, why I have been feeling sleepy all the time, why the air feels dumper these days, why the days look duller, why beer does not taste the same, why shisha now chokes, why the music is now too loud, why the walk is too tedious, why the road is now longer, why her mourns sound fake, why the blankets itch and the jokes are dry and so on and so forth until Jesus Christ! I cannot think anymore.
I could go on. My active mind is full and my subconscious is even fuller. Yet I know I am sleepwalking. I take comfort in knowing that this happens to many people (if not everyone), even some of the most successful people. It is overwhelming. One feels like Atlas, trying to carry the weight of the world on their shoulders. It feels like an avalanche, and we are going under.
I did not know why was writing this post. I still don’t know. But that’s kinda like how life goes. You just set off and along the way you find meaning. I don’t know what the meaning of this text is, but I know what I hope to do, which you can do too.
I hope to take some time away. To remove myself from the routine and the hustle and bustle. To do something else. And eat. And sleep. I have been in a situation like this before, and that worked. Incase you are feeling this way too, try going away too. Do something else that is not related to your job. And eat and sleep. And talk to someone you love.