There are those moments in our lives when our heads feel like a vacated house. Empty and quiet. Moments when we feel alone, as if we wandered into the Kalahari and have now lost all sense of time and direction. Moments we find ourselves preferring to huddle up in corners and folding into ourselves like outcast chimpanzees. And when we go out to the bar, we sit alone at the counter staring deep into our glass as if it holds answers to the all these questions and feelings we feel but cannot describe.
On these whiles, things move slowly. Our nights become lousy. One would swear on their lives that we were sulking at our sheets because of the way we tossed, turned and twisted in our beds. When we open our red sour eyes in the morning, we have lost all sense of colour and our world is in grey-scale. We remain in our bed rooms longer because what the fuck is out there for us to go to? The early bird overslept and so the rest of the choir is not making melodies. The shower irritates your skin and the coffee just does not taste the same. Days drag on like slugs and you feel like life has left you behind. You feel empty, just so fucking empty!
You have cried because emotions like to come out as tears. You’ve looked around and the only shoulders in the room are yours so you lean on the sadness. When they ask how you are doing you manage to curve a smile and say you are “Okay” because it takes a few people to see it and even fewer to understand it. Many help to tie the rope then act shocked when the chair falls over. No one understands that it takes much for one to pull their own plug. Because no one ever came home to tell us about it.
It’s not always about not feeling loved. It is mostly about losing hope. Being stuck in the middle of how it is and how it is supposed to be. Believing that there is something wrong with you and not seeing how to move from there.
I don’t know the meaning of what I have written in this blog post, I just know it feels good to have written it. You know what else feels good? Listening to Avalanche by Bring me the Horizon and Heavy by Linkin Park.